And here in this rain I sit here and thing about what I have done, or more like what I haven’t done. All the things I have told myself that need to be done in order to be successful. I sit here and I beat myself up for the things I haven’t done yet I still sit here and do nothing about it. I am in a constant state of thinking "just think what you could have achieved by now” and yet I still do nothing.
I sit here. I beat myself up because I am never 100% satisfied with anything I make. There is always something missing, room for more. Yet I get to the stage where I don’t want to look at it anymore – I am done with it. Nothing is quick enough for me. I want it all done now. I have no patience. Everyone else has the motivation to just get on with it. They know in themselves what they are doing and what they want. I know neither of these. I am drifting on in a mindless state, feeling guilty but not acting upon it. I know I am capable of great things but my ideas are not worthy; they lack drive, passion. I lack drive and passion. Nothing seems good enough. I keep winding on with other seemingly pointless ventures – none of which lead to an end point that I am satisfied with. I can’t win. I find passion and enthusiasm for other peoples’ work and ideas but not my own. I am too impatient to play the long game. I don’t find solace in my work anymore. I have lost myself. But I need to stop moping about it. I need to stop feeling guilty and start thinking about what it is I actually want right now. Find what I want. Work towards it. Be confident in what I do.
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AuthorThird Year BA Hons Fine Art student studying at Falmouth University Archives
April 2017
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